Why do some marriages last a lifetime and others end in divorce? In North America today, divorce has become commonplace. Surveys indicate that the average length of most marriages ia about twelve years. So what is the glue that keeps a couple together? Researchers state that similar values, interests, ethnic backgrounds, intellectual capacities, and religious beliefs are the important components of a lasting marriage. Therapists state that caring, commitment, communication, conflict, compromise and cooperation make marriages workable. Lawyers state that marriages fail because of unreal expectations, unmet needs, addiction, physical, sexual or emotional abuse, and lack of communication and conflict resolution skills.

In my personal quest to discover the "ingredients" of a lasting marriage, I decided to invite couples in their first marriage who have been married thirty years of longer to tell their stories. It seemed like a simple plan: to document these stories and glean information from people who managed life's stresses and transitions and to learn from the experience of an enduring relationship. What you will read in the following chapters is the outcome of this work. the contributors are couples who have shared their personal stories with me by writing them or by telling them to me. I feel honoured to be allowed inside the marriages of these couples and to be trusted to tell their stories.

Each story is a wonderful biography of a marriage, highlighting significant events that placed stress on the relationship. The couples took this opportunity to look at their process of coping, resolving difficulties, and maintaining commitment. All of these couples related a richness of lived experience that I found rewarding and gratifying. 

 

Love That Lasts was originally published in 2002. The revised edition published in 2007, adds 9 new stories and 2 new sections including second marriage and same-sex marriage.

What Makes Love Last? Being close to another person is the most basic of our psychological needs. Intimacy facilitates confidence and resilience if it includes honesty, self-disclosure, listening, and sharing. Feelings of love and passion may wax and wane during the course of the relationship, but successful couples work each day at renewing and rejuvenating their "good feelings" for each other. Researcher John Gottman, in Why Marriages Succeed of Fail, states there is trouble when: Partners do not think fond thoughts about each other when apart Partners are critical, complain, and blame Partners store up resentment and contempt A lasting marriage results from a couple's ability to deal with stressors and resolve differences. The relationship develops as the partners relate and grow. Each partner learns to give as well as take. Each person needs to develop skills to "soothe" their partner and themselves. Ask yourself these questions: What do you want out of this relationship? What are you willing to put into the relationship? Can you postpone personal gratification in order to enhance the well being of your partner?

Each of us wants our marriage to last. But marriage is a complex and complicated arrangement. As two people bond in a relationship, they perform a delicate dance of attachment and autonomy. This delicate dance means being close and present while maintaining your individual sense of self.

Therapist Wayne Muller writes: "What we love galvanizes our attention. It forms our life. It forms the soil in which we grow; it is the seed in the ground. We give our hearts to what we love. Our love teaches us what to look for, where to aim, when to walk. With every action, word, relationship, and commitment, we slowly and inevitably become what we love."

Marriage is a profoundly life shaping state of being. Intimacy nurtures the relationship giving it "heat". Each partner experiences the other up close, skin close, over a long period of time.

The comedian Sam Levenson says, "love at first sight is easy to understand. It's when two people have been looking at each other for years that it becomes a miracle." This is a miracle that grows out of dreams, hopes, and expectations of partners who work at maintaining their love year after year.

Commitment is a necessary ingredient to hold the relationship together while emotional repairs are being made. Disagreement, conflict, and disillusionment evolve from personal differences and these feelings can threaten a marriage. Commitment means that partners are prepared to "stay with it" and honour the obligations and promises made to the marriage.

Consider these commitment promises:

• I want to love you without clutching
• Appreciate you without judging
• Join you without invading
• Invite you without demanding
• Have space from you without insulting

Maintaining obligations and commitment enriches a couple's relationship. The couples in this book are there for each other "for better or worse." As you read our stories, reflect on the issues we have coped with and how you and your partner can deal with similar situations and sustain your marriage.

In Section I Couple Care, couples address the marital issues that people try to avoid discussing; sex, money and religion. Dixie and Claude relate difficulties they encountered in making a commitment. Dennis and I provide information and counsel from our areas of specialization. Dennis writes as a financial consultant, while I write as a sex therapist. Delphine and Lloyd share their spiritual beliefs.

Section II highlights difference. Joyce and Graham relate the difficulties of making a mixed racial marriage work. Sonia and George write about how opposites attract and the fascination that follows. All relationships have stress. Homosexual relationships encounter the same stressors as heterosexual relationships and are challenged to have their partnerships legalized.

Section III includes stories of the struggle for same-sex marriage. Mary and Laurie share their family struggle to have acceptance of homosexuality and how the struggle impacted their marriage. Gloria challenges existing beliefs giving background to the recognition of committed relationships. Paul and J.R. relate their struggles and successes. Darrin and Stefan provide an international perspective to same-sex unions.

Section IV explores Relationship Stressors. All relationships experience stress. Betty and John deal with extended family. Anne and Tom describe their busy, dual career, married life. Judith and Colin share their struggle of coping with marital affairs. Myra and Peter grieve the loss of their daughter killed in a car accident. Dennis and I relate our sadness and struggle in accepting our son's diagnosis of schizophrenia. Gayle and Jerry describe the impact of illness on their relationship.

Parenting bring joys and sorrows to a marriage. Section V features three very different aspects of parenting. Shirley (and Paul) are unable to conceive and are happy to adopt. After too few years as a family, they must prepare to let their children go. Myrna and Bernie conceive out of wedlock and adopt out. After many years they are reunited with their daughter. Lili and Jack describe their struggle in becoming grandparents and in finding a balanced life.

In Section VI Second Marriage is explored. This is a new section requested by my readers. Melba writes of the joy of her second marriage to Jack. She reflects on the loss of this love through death. Marie and Lance share their story of second marriage and the fulfillment of family life.

The final two sections in this book focus on the longevity in marriage-past 50 to 75 years! For newlyweds, these numbers are difficult to fathom. Helen (and Frank) relate how their marriage is for them in Section VII the Golden Years. In this section I include three new stories; Veronica and Gus dancing through life, Kathleen and Arnold who are soul mates, and Kathleen and Cliff as they celebrate 74 years as lifelong partners. I am delighted with these new stories. The final story in Section VIII is truly love's legacy. Maria and (John) who were married 75 years! They lived a life of gratitude. I had the privilege of attending the celebrations for their special anniversary. What a wonderful milestone for them. Their story is truly remarkable.